This is where the hook goes. Too bad I didn't bother writing one. Thanks to Cracked Magazine, Buzzfeed, and other sites, it has become fashionable to write and share articles with compelling titles like, "5 Reasons Nicholas Cage Is Trying to Kill You" or "12 Things Only Kids Who Grew Up Street Fighting in the Slums of Reykjavic Would Understand." And really, I could start writing anything else in this paragraph. I'm wasting my time even making the attempt to be creative because ...
1. This is the First Part Anyone Actually Reads.
I'm pressing my luck even writing a follow up sentence after this. Just a few random words will do. Iguana. Pepper mill. Ambidextrous rodeo clowns. It really doesn't matter after this point, as ...
2. The Reader Has Already Skipped to the Second Point.
By this point, you could write anything. The writers at Cracked Magazine like to put all of their potty humor here, so they use the body of the second point to make weird analogies about naughty bits and gazongas. It's really an impressive exercise in filth on the part of some authors. Not that I mind it. I love a dirty joke as much as the next guy. Perhaps more. I could load this article with F-bombs and peepee jokes at this point, and it wouldn't matter. Nobody is reading this far anyway, and the truth is...
3. Words Are Boring
There's a good chance nobody is reading this part. A really good chance. Here are 3 sentences of Lorem Ipsum: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Integer tincidunt tellus et ligula rhoncus sodales. Duis luctus purus arcu, nec imperdiet neque euismod sed. If you read that, cheers to you! Yes, some people actually do read the article, but in most cases it's ...
4. Blah, Blah, Blah, Scroll, Scroll, Scroll
Anyone reading an article like this on a smart phone has already flicked past this point like they're trying to get rid of a troublesome booger. Sure,I may have just written an awesome booger joke, but it's buried in the whooshing blur of impatient parsing. See? That was a nice sentence, but it will go largely ignored. My friends might be reading this out of courtesy, and because I have smart, sophisticated friends. Except Gerry. He's a knave and a scoundrel with questionable grooming habits. Ok, not really. Don't tell him that sentence is in there. I want him to see it for himself. Oh, and hi, Val! You might be reading this, too. And I forgot ...
5. This is It? What a Lame Ending!
Yeah, you may have wasted 5 minutes of your life reading this article, but I wasted more time writing it. Still, we all know people like to read the stuff in bold print preceded by a number or bullet point and ignore everything else. Banana. Haberdasher. Unsolicited phone call from the Pope. Rhinoplasty.
